Understanding Your Child’s Brain: Why Developmental Awareness Changes Everything
Have you ever found yourself wondering, “Why can’t they just calm down?” or “They know better—why aren’t they listening?” You're not alone. So many of us approach parenting from the belief that our kids should be able to do things that—neurologically—they simply can’t.
When we expect developmentally impossible behaviors from our children, we create a disconnection that’s not just frustrating, but actually disruptive to their growth.
One of the most empowering shifts we can make as parents is understanding how our children’s brains develop.
Knowledge brings compassion.
And compassion changes everything.
And sometimes simply thinking, “Huh...I’m just parenting a brain” lightens the emotional load.
What Happens When We Parent Without Developmental Awareness?
When we don’t understand brain development, we might label behaviors as “manipulative,” “defiant,” or “attention-seeking,” when in reality, they’re often just signs of an overwhelmed, immature nervous system doing its best.
The brain builds from the bottom up. What a child needs at one age is completely different from what they can access at another. If we don’t meet them with the right tools for the right stage, we risk missing beautiful windows for connection, emotional regulation, and self-worth.
Let’s break it down in three main phases:
The Low Brain (Birth to ~Age 2–3): Survival & Safety
This is the brainstem and lower brain regions—what Dr. Dan Siegel calls the “reptilian brain” in his Hand Model of the Brain.
At this stage, your child is focused on pure survival. Their body is rapidly developing coordination, learning language, and trying to feel safe in the world.
What this means for you as a parent:
They’re not ignoring you. They just can’t follow complex directions, hold back impulses, or self-soothe.
They need your calm, your presence, and your co-regulation.
✨ Key reminder:
When your toddler is melting down, your job isn’t to fix them—it’s to be with them.
(Harder said than done, right? Especially when it’s 9:43 PM and you have to be up at 6 AM.)
2. The Middle Brain (~Age 3 to 7–12): Emotions, Beliefs & Identity
This stage focuses on the limbic system—the emotional center of the brain. Here, kids are absorbing feelings like sponges. They begin to form beliefs about themselves and the world around them, and they rely heavily on connection and co-regulation.
Impulse control and emotional regulation are just beginning to form here. It takes modeling, patience, and repetition—and this is a skill you can learn, too.
✨ What matters most in this phase?
Compassion
Consistency
Modeling how to handle big emotions
As psychologist Mona Delahooke shares in Beyond Behaviors:
“56% of parents believe kids can resist forbidden behavior before age three. But impulse control doesn’t even start developing until three and a half or four—and it’s still under construction for years.”
3. The Upper Brain (Ages 6 to 25+): The Thinking Brain Takes Flight
This is the prefrontal cortex—what Dr. Siegel calls the “upstairs brain.” It handles logic, planning, empathy, impulse control, and long-term thinking. It starts developing in early childhood but doesn’t finish until our mid- to late twenties.
Let that sink in.
So when your 8-year-old has a complete meltdown after school?
That’s not failure. That’s development.
When your teen slams the door and “forgets” to do their homework again?
That’s not defiance. That’s brain wiring in progress.
🖐️ Dan Siegel’s Hand Model of the Brain
One of my favorite tools to help parents understand this is Dr. Dan Siegel’s Hand Model of the Brain. It’s simple, visual, and totally changes how we respond in those “flipped lid” moments.
🖐️ Visualize this:
Your wrist and palm = the lower brain (instincts and survival)
Your thumb tucked in = the limbic system (emotions and relationships)
Your fingers curled over the top = the prefrontal cortex (logic and reasoning)
Now picture your child overwhelmed or scared—they “flip their lid.” The fingers (thinking brain) fly up, and the lower, reactive brain takes over. Logic goes offline.
In that moment, they can’t access empathy or reasoning.
But they can feel your calm.
Click to watch: Dr. Dan Siegel explains the Hand Model of the Brain
What We Can Do Instead of React
When you feel yourself slipping into “fix it” mode, pause and imagine your own hand. Gently place your fingers back over your thumb—and put your own lid back on.
Then try one of these:
Build connection → Empathy before correction.
Co-regulate → Your calm helps their nervous system feel safe.
Remember development → Kids aren’t little adults.
Be curious → Ask, “What does my child need right now?” instead of “How do I get them to stop?”
Final Thoughts
Understanding your child’s brain isn’t about making excuses.
It’s about making sense. 💛
When we realize the brain is still under construction, we stop expecting a finished house.
And instead, we start offering the bricks: connection, regulation, empathy, and patience.
Truth? My house needs rearranging, too.
I’m the adult in the room—and some days, even that feels like a stretch.
But the beautiful thing is this: the brain is neuroplastic.
It can change. For our kids. And for us, too.
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Some Great Resources…
Dr. Dan Siegel – The Whole-Brain Child, Brainstorm
Mona Delahooke – Beyond Behaviors
